Re-Birth

Here I am, all set to blog, actually looking forward to the experience, and fucking Blogger decides to take a day off to watch porn and huff glue, a combination that could get awfully messy if you don't know what you're doing. Speaking of messy, cell phones that fall into bowls of soup (Split Pea with Ham) don't function very well afterward. Just a tip.



Anyway, screw it. It's baseball season. I've never needed one more. Finding comfort in the fact the Mariners got shut out for nearly three full games by the vaunted A's pitching staff and knowing even I won't go that long without scoring. Hearing the unmistakable and life-affirming sound of horsehide hitting the sweet spot, nodding knowingly to myself and muttering, "Good wood." One can never be lonely with the Extra Innings package, not when one tends to comment at the TV with regularity, and if it's only to call Rex Hudler or Joe Morgan a "jackass" for the millionth time, well, that's enough.



Yes, this is my special kind of "re-birth."



I had the pleasure of taking in a game on Sunday at Stupid Anaheim Stadium with Pauly, change100 and AJ. Pauly's Bronx Bombers throttled the home 9, reducing the red-clad crowd to a quieter and stupider version of its usual self. I used to enjoy going to games there so much; the politeness of the O.C. faithful was unerring. Then they went and won the Series in 2002, turning each and every one of them into self-important a-holes. You know, like Yankees and Red Sox fans, except lacking the requisite baseball pedigree/knowledge. Now they trash-talk my 4-year-old who couldn't possibly look any cuter in an A's cap. So, he and I went capless on this day, preferring to root against the Stupid Angels in relative quiet. That will not be the case when the A's come to town.



I had to take a few innings off and let AJ run up and down the ramps after his cotton candy went right into the bloodstream. Too bad, too, because the dark-haired MILF in front of us was digging it. Well, she was entertained by my boy's non-sequiters and irresistible smile. Plus, I, unlike some douchebags, don't date married women.



**********************



Plunked down some hard-earned cash on a new apartment this weekend. It's a nice place, in a mega-complex typical of the area I'm moving to. The best part about it is it's a "carriage" apartment, meaning there's nobody above or below me. The ground level is the garage, with direct access to the entryway and stairs, which rise to the apartment proper. Two bedrooms, two baths, nearly 1100 square feet, a walk-in closet for me (crucial) and I'm only on mild Tilt that it will cost me almost as much a month as my mortgage did. Small price to pay for a fresh start.



My state of mind has been pretty good lately. I'm letting go. As I know, you know and the American People know, the likelihood of X having a change of heart is pretty strong. For a while, I consoled myself with this fact, knowing the day would come where she came back to me. I never played it out much further than that. Simply looked forward to the day the Douchebag Poet gets what's coming to him. I always took for granted that I'd take her back, even with all that's gone on, for AJ's sake, that his needs are more important than mine and that I could overcome all the hurt--with time.



What a fool.



Because, the absolute truth is, I don't want her back. I won't overcome the hurt enough to see ever her in a positive light, to love her as I once did. Not a chance. My only shot at happiness is elsewhere. I know I can tackle the self-rehab process and leave her in the past. If she continued to loom in the future, I'd be more hard-pressed to heal. Furthermore, what ails HER is far more detrimental to our--any--relationship than even her betrayal.



One of the more comical (and I mean black, absurdist comedy) things she's said to me in the last few months is how "important" it is to her that we remain "friends," as if merely stating that desire could make it so. I've pledged to be civil, for AJ's sake. I've promised not to bad-mouth her in front of my boy. But friends? How can I be friends with someone who did that to me? And has scarcely offered an apology for the act, let alone tried to make amends? To be sure, she's been agreeable to the guidelines we've agreed upon regarding AJ. She's shown a willingness to be flexible, which is a contrast to her recent behavior. And I appreciate it. For AJ's sake. Not for mine.



But the bottom line? I just don't like her very much. How she acts as if there were nothing between us. I suppose that's simply another trick she plays on herself, convincing herself that our relationship is fine, that I'm fine, that this decision of hers has not affected an entire extended family, has not caused immeasurable pain. She makes no mention of the Douchebag, addresses me with nothing but contrived good cheer.



**********************



Let me tell you a story: X and I had been married about three months when we went to a party with my soccer team. You think poker bloggers can tie one on? You should meet Scribes FC. The evening was winding down as they always did, with the entire group in various stages of massive drunkery, when I suggested to X that we'd better head home. Nothing seemed amiss until we got into the car and she just lit into me. She was hammered and was making little sense, but it was very clearly an attack on me for "forcing" her to leave the party so early. Her diatribe continued the entire drive home as I parried her with incredulity. I'd never seen her like this: completely illogical.



Back at home, she calmed somewhat, at least began listening to what I was trying to say. And in the morning, we talked it out and everything seemed fine. At its root, the fit was caused by homesickness. The party reminded her of her motorcycle club in Sweden, binge drinking and camaraderie into the wee hours, and she simply had an episode. I would periodically tease her about "going psycho," but I never held it against her.



*********************



Probably the thing that initially hurt me the most about all this is that she never came to me with her unhappiness. Me. The man who loved her above all others. How could she not trust ME with her feelings?



Well, one of the issues that has shaken out over this whole affair is that she withheld her feelings from me pretty much since the beginning, since she went "psycho" at that party six years ago. She told me she promised herself that day that she would never reveal her inner self to me like she did that night, that my reaction made her feel like I was going to send her back to Sweden. (Let's not get into the discussion of drunken tantrums vs. real communication between husband and wife. You'll have to trust me that it's a dead end. I've tried.)



X and I hardly ever fought. If we did, it was brief and always ended right there. No grudges. No blemishes to be brought up again six months later. I thought this was the perfect symptom of our excellent marriage. Guess I had a bad read. The reason we hardly ever fought is because she'd never raise any issues with me. If she had 'em, she kept them to herself. So when I asked (repeatedly) if I was playing too much poker, she'd say "no," while at the same time thinking, "yes."



So, when you think about it, a) I never really had a chance and b) it's surprising we lasted as long as we did.



In Japanese, there's a term for what X is: "black stomach." It basically means she's always pretending. She is a facade and the true her will never be revealed, except in drastic, life-altering events. And what pushes me forward is the knowledge that particular trait will no longer afflict me.



She can't say the same.



So I suppose understanding that has been the catalyst for the biggest change. Instead of idealizing my marriage--and exaggerating my own short-comings--I've come to grips with what it was. Do I still think this entire affair was preventable? Of course. I would have done anything for her. But dealing with our problems is not longer an option.



I have some exciting possibilities on the horizon. I'm looking forward to tackling some goals and getting back to my old self. It's slow going some days, but I'm not going to beat myself up for taking a few hours off from life here and there. Call it a Mental Health Time-Out. But as long as AJ's okay (and he's coping pretty well to this point), then I'm okay. Onward.

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http://obituarium.blogspot.com/2006/04/re-birth.html

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More Thoughts From The Weekend

?Those who can?t, teach.? ? George  Bernard Shaw

I?ll try to answer some of the comments from the previous post.  Basically, how did I get unstuck?

I don?t want to ascribe any watershed moment to last weekend?s turnaround, because the data size is really too small.  It could be coincidence, it could be a true change in my mentality; but most likely, it?s a little bit of both.

Some bits and pieces that contributed?.

MrsBlood has been playing the $5 SNG?s on Stars.  She?s actually doing decently, having made the $50 transfer I sent her on March 1st last longer than any other seed-cash that I?ve given to her.  During a bad stretch however, when her flopped sets got out drawn by runner-runner straights, I saw a bit of myself in her reactions.

I gave her the tried and true lecture of ?getting your money in with the best of it? and ?it?s all about decisions, not results.?  When you see it happen to someone else so close to you, it really hits home that those phrases are really universal truisms in poker.  It?s difficult to see that when it?s you getting outdrawn.  I just have trouble detaching myself from the occasion.  But when it happens to someone with whom you?ve shared just about every other emotion, it?s just easier to realize the truth of the matter for whatever reason.  It?s hard to explain, but it?s like seeing something you thought was true actually become true right before your eyes.

Another part of the turnaround was simply experiencing the higher limits and not noticing any drastic changes in game play.  The sessions at $200NL were just like the sessions at $100NL.  The same plays, the same cards, the same outcomes.  My first foray into the higher limits was met with familiarity rather than apprehension due to a different play style.  So there was some inner confidence that I could call upon to get me through.

Contributing still to my detachment was the fact that my poker bankrolls are truly separated from my other family-based money.  Keeping that separate has been the best idea for me.  Like I mentioned previously, the losses in an absolute sense were larger than what I?d experienced in recent years, but they were most definitely within the guidelines of proper bankroll management.

I guess when you add all that up, the loss was met with more of a shrug than some back peddling.  Also, having experienced a major downswing before (*cough* Vegas *cough*) and subsequently recovering, it gave me more confidence that I could do it again.  And that?s important, because I will experience these losses again and I will recover from them.  Again.

In reading the 2+2 forums in the last few months, I?ve seen this word posted whenever someone complains about some bad beat or downswing or any other negative poker experience.

Standard.

My weekend experience?  Standard.

Read The Full Article:
http://badbloodonpoker.blogspot.com/2006_04_01_badbloodonpoker_archive.html#11447
6876836834678

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Poker What's That

Things are pretty dang quiet on the poker front. Other than a mini-session at Razz I haven't really played at all the last few days, mostly due to other deadlines and yard work and other fun life stuff. But I have to admit that it is sort of nice, as far as the feeling of getting a chunk of my life back, with all this "free" time.



Don't see much of a decrease in busyness looming on the horizon, either, as I need to get the kiln and welding stuff set up, and my little mini-foundry operations rolling. We've also been kicking around the idea of either buying a second house or investing in commercial property, or maybe a combination of the two if we could find the right property. Still pretty much pie in the sky talk at this stage but fun to ponder.

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http://suckout.blogspot.com/2006/04/poker-whats-that.html

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Funny

I rarely check my website stats, but there was a spike that started Sunday and continued through Monday. I checked into where the hits were coming from, wanting to thank whoever had hooked me up and make sure I reciprocated.



Alas, 42% of the hits were from google searches looking for information about Phil Mickelson's illegitimate child. Ahhh, The Master's....



Ok, to save you time, here's what I know:



Nothing.



The first time I heard the rumor it was through the same google search strings on my hits after the last major Phil won. And the only reason those came to me was because I once posted a rumor I'd heard about Lefty and his wife being in deep with the Vegas casinos for a mid-7-figure number, and this being the reason for switching his club endorsement deal the week before the Ryder's cup.



Again, just a rumor. I think I got it second-hand off some nationally syndicated sports radio show. And posted it here only because my normal readers might find a story of such a huge casino loss interesting.



Anyway, I hope Phil keeps up his winning ways. It's good for traffic.



I wonder what would happen if I posted a rumor I heard about Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera's bathroom catfight after the Grammy's a few years back....? ;-)

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http://bigslicknuts.blogspot.com/2006/04/funny.html

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A Good Case of the Mondays

© COPYRIGHT 2006 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
If yesterday was a case of the Mondays, sign me up every Monday. I finished the day with an overall profit of $86 over 431 hands at the $2/4 LHE tables at Poker Syndicate/Imperial ($70 profit, 278 hands) and World Poker Exchange ($16 profit, 153 hands).

I am still waiting for my $47 rakeback payment from WPE for my play last week, which was due yesterday. I'm guessing that the small site wasn't exactly prepared for the number of players who came on board last week and is having a problem keeping up and getting the rake payments made on time. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and keep playing there for now. If they don't get the rakeback payments worked out, I'm sure their penalty will be the exodus of players from the site.

WPE has a couple of other good things going besides the 100% rakeback. They recently added 5-max short-handed tables for the SH folks and I have seen a few of those tables going. Also, if you are a tournament player, their tournaments have very nice overlays right now with the guaranteed prize pools they are offering. For example, they will have a $5 +$1 NLHE tournament (and the $1 fee is refunded 100%) with a $500 guaranteed prize pool and only 50 players signup. I am going to have to play a few of those.

To Slowplay, Or Not To Slowplay, That Is The Question
Yesterday's hand:

Here is my favorite question once again, slowplaying. Here is a hand I played over the weekend. It was a tight and aggressive game with a lot of blind defense. I had been at the table for 25 hands or so and all I can read about my opponent so far in the hand is that he appears to be selective when playing hands:

World Poker Exchange
Limit Holdem Ring game
Limit: $2/$4
8 players

Pre-flop: (8 players) Michael is EP1 with [K? K?]
2 folds, Michael raises, 4 folds, BB calls.

Flop: [K? T? T?] (4.5SB, 2 players)
BB checks, Michael ???

Do you (1) check behind and slowplay or (2) bet here hoping that the BB has caught enough of the flop to proceed and what are your reason(s)?

The comments yesterday on this hand were universal, in that actually betting here would be a better way of concealing the strength of my hand than checking behind because checking would set of warning bells as to the strength of my hand. It is certainly hard to argue that logic.

However, I did decide to slowplay here. For me to consider a slowplay, four things have to be present to do it:

1. The pot must be small. Not protecting my hand by betting with a large hand is a mistake.
   
2. It is likely that if I bet that my opponent(s) may fold.
3. Giving a free card will give my opponent (s) a chance to make a good hand, but not one that can beat me.
4. My opponent(s) in the hand is (are) not a poor player. It always makes sense to bet against a poor opponent because they will call bets with hands like Ace-high.
   

With a Kings full of Tens hand, I have basically crippled the deck here. There is only one King and two Tens that my opponent could have, so it's not very likely that he has caught anything other than a draw here at best, so if I bet odds are that he will fold. Now, if I check and he actually does have a draw and hits it, then he will likely stay in until the end. Or he could have a pocket pair (e.g., 88) and hit a set on the turn or think his pair is good if I check. Finally, my opponent is not a poor player, so he is very unlikely to call a flop bet with a hand like Ace-high. It looks like all of the conditions are right for a slowplay here heads-up.

Here's how the rest of the hand played out:

Flop: [K? T? T?] (4.5SB, 2 players)
BB checks, Michael checks

Turn: [2?] (2.25 BB, 2 players)
BB bets, Michael calls

River: [4?] (4.25 BB, 2 players)
BB bets, Michael raises, BB reraises, Michael caps

BB showed [4? 4?] for Fours full of Tens.

I think by slowplaying and letting the BB hang around and make a second best hand, I was able to maximize the value of my hand here. If I bet the flop, he may have called, but folded to a turn bet (unless he was a "set farmer"). Also, if I raised his bet on the turn, he likely would have folded.




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No Root Canal!

There are few folks as fraidy-scared at going to the dentist than I, so my trip yesterday filled me with anxiety. The quick recap: I had a temporary filling put in ten weeks ago. If the medication worked, I could have a permanent filling put in; if not, root canal. I haven't had any pain with the tooth, which I took as not a bad sign but not necessarily positive. I was on a draw, I understood that, but with the pot odds it was a no-brainer. I make my appointment at 1:30 yesterday (although I tried to figure out how to get out of it). No luck, so I keep my eyes closed through the procedure, trying to pick up on some sort of tell to tip me off that I'm out of the woods. I take the further drilling and scraping as that tell, and I was spot-on. No root canal, in and out in thirty minutes. Dentists are only 1000% better than when I was growing up. Back then, most dentists had fingers the size of kielbasa, no gloves, all smoked, and they were pretty much winging it when it came to numbing you up. The shots hurt, the drilling hurt, everything was horrible. Much improved now, but I think you have to go every six months, it really is mandatory for prevention and stuff.

Several folks are in the midst of downward slides. 2+2 threads on largest loss and a 90k losing session may not make you feel better, but they are a bit sobering to say the least. I've started writing some articles for a poker website, doing a series on players making the jump to playing professionally. I'm amazed by a couple of folks that I'm working on now for the next articles, 21 years old, with five- and six-figure months. It definitely gives me the impression that I've just stumbled into some sort of big video game contest, this online poker phenomenon. And maybe that's what this really is, figuring out how to beat PacMan or Call of Duty or something rather than implied pot odds and position. I don't think that's the case, but maybe it's more like that than I'd like to think.

Below is a response to the Relationships and Poker series from Dave, a new visitor here. Some interesting perspectives and a different angle, so I thought you'd like to see it. If you or your spouse would like to email thoughts to me, please feel free to email me at csquard@yahoo.com.

Just started reading your blog a couple months ago when Felicia linked to it for some reason and enjoy it greatly. I am impressed at the thought you put into this subject of poker and our significant others, and the way you are able to get those thoughts across. I am light years behind in writing ability like you and some of the other "big name" bloggers.

Although for the last 18 months or so I have been a winning player, I would categorize my game as C+ or B-. I've been playing what I'd call serious poker for a little over 2 years. I guess that makes me part of the WPT boom. Before that, it was just invite 6 people over, dealers' choice drinkfest. Last year was my first profitable year from poker and that was just under $10k. I think my situation is a bit different than most of the bloggers (or poker players) out there. My wife doesn't play very often at all online. Occasionally, she'll make a deposit, or I'll make a transfer to her, when there is a specific tournament that our friends are playing.

As a rule, I don't play online weeknights. I will still log on most nights to read blogs and my two primary forums, but generally I won't play Monday-Thursday. We both work, it's our relaxing time together. It's our TV time. I may read a poker book or magazine if she's watching one of "her" shows in TiVO. Included in this group are Trading Spaces, While you Were Out, Dancing or Skating with anyone famous, or any other show with washed up actors or any miscellany of shows in the top 10 on TLC or HGTV. We usually eat dinner together every night. I tape nearly every poker show on TV. Since I am a chronic insomniac, I will usually watch these or do my heavy poker reading after she's gone to bed, which is usually between 10:00 and 10:30. I can think on one hand the instances where my online play conflicted with our personal plans. Usually that was when I qualified for a big weekend tournament that I didn't have much choice about the time. I never make plans to play a specific tournament on the weekend. With so many sites and tournaments out there, if I find myself with a free afternoon, I've never had much trouble finding one to play.

When it comes to live poker though, we nearly always play together. We go to Vegas 7 or 8 times a year and will put in a combined 30 hours in a weekend. We always play at the same table whenever possible. Since we live in the LA area, we will usually be at Commerce or Hustler one out of three or four weekends, on average. I guess in this respect I am really lucky, and I do realize it. No one knows more than I do that I have the coolest wife ever. I've always had an addictive personality. I'm not sure that's the right word, but whenever I get a new interest, I dive into it and learn as much as I can. I guess I don't really do anything halfway. I was like that with poker, and signed up on Party Poker from the ad during the first season of the WPT and began getting my butt kicked, I decided to change that, so I started reading as much as I could, and losing. Maybe in the beginning, it was a problem, which is how we came up with the "no weekday" rule.

Very often, players at a table will make comments that they wish their wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend would come out and play like we do. We play completely different styles, but both seem to make some money playing. Possibly part of the reason it isn't a problem is the money we play with. We have kind of a funky budget setup that we pool all our money and each get a certain amount to spend on whatever we want. We both have different interests. She is into scrapbooking and photography, while I like volleyball or games. This is the money we gamble with. If I lose my butt in craps or poker, it's less volleyball tournaments I can play or video game I can buy. If she loses, there goes the new lens for her camera. We buy all our toys with gambling money and I have no delusions about getting rich playing poker, but I do get a lot of things I could never justify buying with "community" money. By having our finances structured this way, we have never had an argument about money. We have both agreed on a plan for our finances to make sure we don't have to work into our sixties before we can enjoy life.

A couple years ago we had a major scare with her health and it kind of not only provided a new point of view for both of us, it really changed her attitude. Before, she was very conservative and resistant to change. She's been at her job for 18 years and hasn't liked it since I met her 9 years ago. She's only lived in 3 houses ???. ever. She lived in the house where she grew up for 32 years, keeping it even after her mom passed away until after we were engaged. It took getting engaged to move in together so we could save for our own home where we lived for the first 2 years we were married, and now the home we live in we bought about 4 years ago. Since her cancer, she is much less afraid of taking risk. "We can always make more money," she will say. We have invested much more, and last fall bought a rental property in Las Vegas. Not only is this an investment, but it did let us write off over $5k in Vegas trips last year. We plan to buy 1 or 2 more properties this year. I'm not sure if it clears up at all your question of how affects relationships, but I think it does give a perspective that's out of the norm.

Thanks, Dave, for this. I picked up my Bluff Magazine at Borders yesterday on my way to the dentist. This has the cover story of Michael Craig's Part I recap of Andy Beal vs. the Corporation. A must read of the $50k/100k sessions. I've also been catching up on new WPT shows. Courtney Friel is much better at her work than Shania was, although Shania is a good bit dreamier than Courtney. I haven't seen Ms. Friel in person, but Ms. Hiatt had this approachable girl-next-door thing going on. I've quit watching Celebrity Poker Showdown, but I'm sure I'll take a peak when the new version comes out with Hellmuth replaces Phil Gordon as co-host.

Later.


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http://ccexplore.blogspot.com/2006/04/no-root-canal.html

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Las Vegas Vegas Rates Your Home Game

Las Vegas Vegas Rates Your Home Game Read Part One Here... Our ex-wife talked us into painting our dining room that shade of burgundy back when we were getting laid, and it took two coats of primer and four of...

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http://www.lasvegasvegas.com/pokerblog/archives/002623.php

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